I've decided that since it's Spring, it's time for some emotional and spiritual pruning. I'm cutting off the dead heads and branches to make room for new growth. In order to do that I'm letting go off the things that I've been holding onto so tightly most of my life.
It's easy to trim the unnecessary physical things from your life. I've done it many times, and will probably do it many times over. I'm beginning to crave a minimalist life with few possessions. I'm finding I want to enjoy my *time* more than I want to own anything, and worrying over what I have and don't have doesn't allow me to do that.
However, cutting the emotional and spiritual garbage away to allow for the new growth is much more difficult.
Allowing myself to blame others for the way my life turned out is one of the things I've got to end. I've always said that it doesn't matter who your parents are, or how you were raised, it's how you act that counts. I guess it's time to start living that philosophy instead of just talking it. No, my life has not been a great one. My mother is...well at the very least she's bipolar, although she refuses to admit it. My father....he's dead now, and I don't mourn that. He was a sick man. A pedophile and a bully. I'm allowing myself to remember things that I had long suppressed in an effort to protect myself. Yes, there was physical, and emotional abuse on both sides. It's been hiding in the back of my psyche like a snake waiting to strike. I finally realized that I had to let it out last night when I...well, basically I threw a tantrum, threw a plate, and later, used a razor to begin cutting....myself. I've never done that before, and although I've had thoughts of suicide for many years I haven't seriously attempted it since my teens. At that moment, holding the razor, looking at my wrist and the veins in it.....well I realized something. I don't want to die. How does that quote go...dieing is easy, it's the living that's hard? Something like that anyway.
It doesn't matter where I've been or what I've done before. God/dess gives us a brand new clean slate every day. I've been transferring all the old problems and hurts to it, and it's getting kind of crowded. It's time that stopped. I'm going to start at the beginning, work my way through, and slowly start erasing those issues. If this means I have to get a therapist or some counseling I will do so. But I can't imagine living the next 50 or so years like this. I'm miserable, have no social life, and barely exist right now most days.
So, like the phoenix rising from the flames, I'm going to burn away the old and rise, renewed, and better for having been through the fire.
I have no doubt this will be difficult. I will backslide, slip back into the depression, and wish for death again....but I will triumph. I will learn, and grow, pruning away what needs to go, and letting the buds of a new life bloom.
****Yes I know there was a horrible mixing of metaphors in there, but it came from my heart, so I'm leaving it unedited*****